The Water Cooler – Vehicle Collisions

January 16, 2014 12:08 pm · 75 comments

The “Water Cooler” is a feature on where we ask you a question or provide a topic, and you talk about it!

The “Water Cooler” will be up Monday-Friday at noon!

Today’s question:

Have you ever been involved in a vehicle collision? If so, were you injured, and who was at fault?

Talk about it….

1 Brian January 16, 2014 at 12:21 PM

I’ve been hit by a Walnut Creek Police officer. That was an interesting night.

2 Just me January 16, 2014 at 12:23 PM

I’ve been in quite a few. A couple were my fault. The rest were wrong place wrong time.

The most memorable was being sandwiched between an AC transit bus who was passing us on the shoulder and a bigrig who didn’t see us and was merging over. This was back in the mud 80’s but I still remember watching the bolts from the front tire of the bigrig tear into my door and chew it up

Good times

3 Danielle January 16, 2014 at 12:24 PM

No, thank goodness!

4 Bing Dang Ow January 16, 2014 at 12:24 PM

Was rear ended me at the entrance to the Caldacott then pushed me into the car in front of me.
The guy that did it, provided his information and said he wants to pay cash for the damages as he was driving a company truck and had some other accidents. Figured his employer would fire him. He paid the body shop directly for my repairs. The guy in front looked at his car, and said, who cares and left the scene.

5 Yes/not injured - usually rear-ended January 16, 2014 at 12:42 PM

1) I have been rear-ended a few times while sitting stopped at stoplights. Not injured.

2) I have been rear-ended once while driving down a city street – the guy told me he was watching a girl walking down the sidewalk and forgot to watch in front of him. Not injured.

3) Once, in a driving rainstorm, the car in front of me tried to turn onto another street, but not being able to see well realized they had not yet reached the intersection, so swerved back into the lane and my car impacted them from behind. Not hurt.

6 Horse n around January 16, 2014 at 12:53 PM

Hit twice. One woman ran a stop sign on Mt. Diablo St. She had no insurance. And another time, I got rear ended and the guy took off, but luckily the people behind him saw what he did and followed him until the police got him. He also had no insurance.

7 Nick January 16, 2014 at 12:54 PM

In Tahoe, coming off highway 89 turning right onto highway 50, going 10 mph, in blizzard at 1am. Hwy 89 was closed due to avalanche. so going back to 50 i slid on black ice thru stop sign into intersection in the middle of highway traffic. I got broadsided on driver side. Due to the slow speeds both vehicles drove away fine with minor damage.

8 Both times by female drivers January 16, 2014 at 1:21 PM

Both of Mexican descent both with no insurance.

I still limp.

9 Angelica January 16, 2014 at 1:56 PM

No, not yet. Hopefully never will be!

10 Silva January 16, 2014 at 2:01 PM

I had an Oakland Police Officer back up into me once. He was looking for an address as I patiently drove at a safe distance behind him. When someone from a house we’d passed started to call and wave he reversed and accelerated right into the front of my car. Boy did he feel foolish. I felt so sorry for him I never filed a claim. The days before mandatory insurance. My DH fixed the damage the best he could.

11 Nuttsie the Nutter January 16, 2014 at 2:17 PM

Never in a car. Several times on the motorcycle. Always alone. Broke one leg three times, other leg twice, both arms twice and both shoulders. The wife thinks I should give up riding. In my defense, two of the times I was at the track racing.

12 mutts January 16, 2014 at 2:28 PM

Did anyone collect for injuries?

13 Idiocracy January 16, 2014 at 2:30 PM

I was hit by a WCPD one time too! Lol the guy tried to blame me after too! It was a rear collision, he didn’t have his lights on so I never saw him coming. I was also hit by a drunk driver on Oak Grove (guy was plastered). Was hit by a Foreign Pakistani off monument (ruined my day). The only time I ever caused an accident was because I didn’t react fast enough when a caravan in front of me slammed his brakes within a split second and I rammed his car (felt bad about that one). Wrapped my car trying to show off once too, it was embarrassing and glad no one got hurt. I was really young and dumb at one point. Now im just a tad bit dumb

14 Frank L. January 16, 2014 at 2:46 PM

No. I’ve never even come close to an accident. But then again I know how to drive, defensively and otherwise.

15 Dorothy January 16, 2014 at 3:02 PM

Been hit from behind at a stop sign. Bumper was badly injured but the rest of the truck and myself were okay. Funny, I saw the car from my rear mirror and knew it wasn’t going to stop.

16 Elwood January 16, 2014 at 3:20 PM

Yes, no, not me.

17 Thank you Mayor... January 16, 2014 at 3:24 PM

For not using the word “accident”.

18 Jeff January 16, 2014 at 3:33 PM

I have been in several. The worst was a fatality at age 23. It was not my fault, but it certainly impacted me. It was horrible because it was three 17 year olds and a 15 year old who turned in front of me at 48 mph. Nothing I could do….

19 Kirkwood January 16, 2014 at 3:42 PM

Was backed into at a signal on Farm Bureau. Driver in front had decided to move into the left turn lane but could not make it so backed up. I saw her coming and fumbled for reverse but couldn’t find it in time. Trailer hitch damaged grill. Luckily she had insurance. I have heard a statistic that 1 in 6 drivers on the road have no license and no insurance.

20 KAD January 16, 2014 at 3:48 PM

Yes, last 4th of July on Monument Blvd someone hit the back of my van twice, not just once but twice at the intersection near Wendy’s. Then they fled the scene by making a U turn. I had a witness but she was not able to see the license plate and of course since they were behind me I could not get the plate number either. It was still drivable but AAA had to pay several thousands of dollars to get it repaired. The Concord police came and took a report but they did not catch anyone for the hit and run. I now try to stay off of Monument Blvd as much as I can.

21 @Frank L. January 16, 2014 at 4:43 PM

We’re talking about motor vehicles here. Nobody cares if you’ve ever crashed that high horse of yours.

22 Mike W. January 16, 2014 at 5:04 PM

@Frank L #14; “But then I know how to drive, defensively and otherwise.” By otherwise, do you mean OFFENSIVELY? I can sure picture that!

23 Rick January 16, 2014 at 5:29 PM

I’m with Frank. If you’re a good driver, you will avoid collisions, including learning how to drive defensively.

People who get in collision after collision, whether it’s your fault or not, are not good drivers. Walk or take the bus.


24 Cowellian January 16, 2014 at 5:41 PM

Everyone knows that Frank drives with a club.

25 Justin January 16, 2014 at 5:49 PM

I’ve never been in a collision, accident……whatever you want to call it.

I agree with Frank and Rick. If you KNOW HOW TO DRIVE, you will not get in accident, especially several. (See above).



If I sound offensive——I DON’T CARE!!!!

26 anon January 16, 2014 at 6:15 PM

I was stopped at a stop light when I was hit from behind by an FBI agent. I had to go to their office in Concord to get pictures taken of the damage. I got a new bumper out of it.

27 Claire January 16, 2014 at 6:54 PM

NO!!! I’ve never come anywhere close to an accident, collision, wreck, etc.

I’ve been driving since 1976. If you know how to drive, and know how to stay clear of others, and you don’t drink and drive, you’ll be just fine.

Not everyone can master the skill of being a good driver.

28 Elwood January 16, 2014 at 7:45 PM

I was stopped at a 4 way stop.

Car A runs the stop sign, T-boning car B which loses control crosses the intersection and hits me, still stopped.

Does this mean I’m not a good driver?

29 nono January 16, 2014 at 8:00 PM

In the early 80’s I had a fancy 1979 Z-28 Camaro I had bought new. I was heading out of SF on the Bay Bridge when an old ratty van cut me off by merging left into my lane right in front of me. I moved over a lane to the left, and started to pass the van. It then moved over another lane, and this time hit the right front bumper of my car. The old pipe rear bumper of the van stuck into the plastic bumper of the Camaro, and we were hooked together. The van was pointed about 45 degrees left, and we started heading towards the left side of the bridge no matter how hard I tried to turn the other way. We finally ground to a halt after scraping along the bridge wall for a while. I wasn’t hurt, but the lesson I learned that day was to get way behind someone doing strange stuff or only pass when you can get a lot of distance from them!

30 Miguel January 16, 2014 at 8:23 PM

Here comes Triple AAA’s worst nightmare.

I’ve been in a few accidents, never my fault, and I never got hurt.

Driving down Crenshaw I get rear ended by uninsured, unemployed gang bangers. (Surenos). They were drunk and smoking weed. Nice.

Hit and run at Dodger Stadium. Good game, no note on my car.

Ex con (straight out of San Quentin) once again uninsured and unemployed hits me coming out of Burger King. He goes off on me OJ style like it was my fault.

Needless to say, I don’t miss the environment I grew up in.

31 P_Hill Phil January 16, 2014 at 8:47 PM

My vehicles have been in 12 accidents. None were my fault. Each time my car/truck was parked in front of my house. All were drunk drivers. I’ve lived in the same house for 40 years.

32 biggus thinkus January 16, 2014 at 8:57 PM

yeah, both sides of it; 18, driving to santa cruz, console blinked out, i looked down, looked back up, and traffic stopped, i rear ended a bug.
but, since then (er..20yrs later) only next one was a drunk tweaker driving 55 on a 25 on 4th of july, 2006. volvo totaled (my car), 3 of 4 passengers in my car bruised (3yr old in car seat ok), and the car of 6 had 3 people jump and run, and one come back fully changed.
i fought it myself, and owed and got paid nothing.
crappy deal though. am i a bad driver for putting my car in front of a speeding drunk tweaker? with no other moving violations or accidents in 20yrs? maybe i’m just a conscious driver, whom, like many others, have had bad things happen.

33 Mustang Sally January 16, 2014 at 9:03 PM

If you’ve been driving long enough in urban surroundings, the law of averages will get you at some point. I was once on my way to school on a city streed and was T boned by a drunk driver with a car full of clowns. They poured out their cans of beer in the gutter before limping away in their jalopy which died a couple of blocks away. My thigh was broken as it bent my stick shift down to the floor of my VW. I’m an excellent driver. I drive a stick and don’t need to clutch if I don’t want to. Accidents happen if you drive a lot, and you’ve got to watch out for them, they’re out there!

34 Mustang Sally January 16, 2014 at 9:11 PM

Oh yeah, forgot to mention they ran a stop sign. Once my siezure meds needed adjustment and I siezed while driving and drove into a large concrete front porch. Luckily no one was hurt. I’d just dropped my son at school and was heading to work. My volvo waa totaled and we had to take the bus everywhere for 3 years.

35 Cowellian January 16, 2014 at 9:11 PM

Elwood, it just means that you’re not Frank, Rick, or Justin.

36 Nicole January 16, 2014 at 9:20 PM

I’ve never been in a collision, thank the Lord.

After reading these posts, except for Miguel, a good majority of you need to learn how to drive.

If that’s offensive, put me down as offensive. I tell it like it is. The truth hurts.

Driving is a skill that not all people have. That’s what public transportation is for.

37 ricardo January 16, 2014 at 9:34 PM

Whoa. Mustang Sally, who should change her name to VW or Volvo Verra, takes siezure meds??? Why does she even have a license? Whoa, the meds “got out of adjustment and she ran into a porch” and she called it “lucky”. Hope the next victim does well the next time she needs her meds adjusted!!!!

38 Killjoy January 16, 2014 at 9:36 PM

I had an ’86 Mazda B2000 pickup that I was in eight accidents with, in four years time. I’m telling you, that little truck was a magnet for accidents.
Of those accidents, one was deemed half my fault. All others were the fault of other drivers.
Rear ended twice. Someone cut me off, turning right in front of me (the Cop looked at the kid and said “You know it’s your fault, right?”.
An elderly gentleman changed lanes right into me. Someone rolled down a hill backwards in SF into my front bumper.
Those are the ones I can remember off the top of my head.
Oh, and some jack@ss sideswiped me in a road rage event about a year or so ago.

39 Killjoy January 16, 2014 at 9:39 PM

Oh, and all were injury free.

40 @Nicole January 16, 2014 at 9:44 PM

As usual you don’t read very well.

41 Just A Thought January 16, 2014 at 9:46 PM

Lowering Your Risk of Getting in an Accident

1. Don’t drive impaired. (Common sense)
2. Don’t drive during the vampire hour. (12-3 a.m.)
3. Keep your eyes on the road. (Again, common sense)
4. Don’t speed. (Biggest reason for accidents)
5. Avoid congestion. (Hard to do if you commute, bit it increases your risk).

42 Greenjrl January 16, 2014 at 10:03 PM

Yes, about 10 years ago driving east on Ygnacio Valley, at the intersection of Park Highlands Blvd., a teenager ran the red light and hit me on front drivers side. Actually, he told me his steering wheel came off (had been working on it

43 ClayDen January 16, 2014 at 10:29 PM

I’ve been hit several times. The strangest one was my first week of college. I was sitting at a stop light in my Mini (all 1,230 pounds of it), when a guy comes up and stops behind me. Prior to the light changing to green, he took off and ran into me. He was driving an early 1960’s Pontiac that probably weighed at least 4,000 pounds. He got both of my tail lights and crunched my trunk lid. About 6 months later, I was on the same street, a couple of stoplights away in my Dad’s car, stopped at a stoplight on a rainy night, when a guy in a Rambler station wagon decided to put on his brakes a few feet before he got to me. Fortunately, my Dad’s car was about the same size, so I wasn’t hurt.

I’ve never been charged at fault in an accident. However, one time three of us in our 850 Minis were fooling around and I “faked right and went left” and misjudged it a bit and understeered into a curb, That cost me two alloy wheels (the rear was crunched as the back end rotated into the curb) and some ribbing from my friends.

44 Mustang Sally January 16, 2014 at 10:54 PM

@ricardo #37; I imagine you have little idea the some of the treated medical conditions people are driving around with. Yeah, in 1994 I had a siezure while driving. I have a license, insurance, clean record, and I take my anticonvulsants, antidepressants, antipsycotics, etc. A neighbor of mine, a young mother of 3 had a massave coronary and died while driving on the freeway. Like I said, you’ve got to watch out for them! They’re out there!

45 Greenjrl January 16, 2014 at 11:07 PM

Continued… I was driving a Miata, which was totaled and I broke my arm. The driver apologized and said it was his fault. However when insurance contacted him, he changed his story and said I ran red light. Thank God for witnesses that confirmed the true story. After that I didn’t feel comfortable driving a small convertible…… Too bad as that was such a fun car – at least till I got hit!

46 eric January 16, 2014 at 11:49 PM

I was rear ended on Clayton Road at the Trail Xing as i stopped for a pedestrian who decided to walk on a red light. Neighbors witnessed it and called the police, they determined that the other person was at fault. Neither of us were injured, but I had a stiff neck for a few days, and both of our cars were badly damaged.

47 Mimi (original) January 17, 2014 at 1:23 AM

When I was 16, eons ago, I was driving in Inglewood (all white then) and was looking for an army/navy store and didn’t notice that the car in front of me had stopped; and I rear ended her. My dad made me pay to repair both her taillight and his headlight, man I was ticked off! Then when my offspring was 16, we were driving East on Clayton, kind of stuck at the signal at Farm Bureau Road when this big truck pulled in to the street behind us, tried to go past us and turn right into the left turn lane (3 across) and he cur things too close and munched the left rear quarterpanel

48 All of those... January 17, 2014 at 7:17 AM

Medications,ie, previous post, suggest
using caution while driving or operating
heavy machinery. One of them alters your
cognitive abilities. Mix up a cocktail as
listed, and it equals ” driving under the

49 Marcus January 17, 2014 at 10:41 AM

I’m with Nicole. People in several accidents? 8 for Killjoy?

I’ve never been in an accident. Like Frank, I know how to drive, including avoiding accidents.

For those of you who get in accident after accident. Take a cab or the bus.

50 ClayDen January 17, 2014 at 11:33 AM


As I mentioned, I’ve been in several accidents, including one in which a new car was totaled. I’m also a very good driver. Please tell me how my driving ability makes a difference when I’m sitting stopped at a red light (twice as mentioned) or in stop and go traffic when getting rear ended while stopped, or when someone ran a red light and broad-sided me? Or, the new car (3 months old) that was totaled while parked and was hit by a speeding drunk driver? I have avoided a few by being a good driver in a capable car and maneuvering “violently” when someone turned into me (at least twice). I’ve driven almost a million miles, and have probably been hit about 6 times so I guess that’s about one every 150,000 miles or so.

51 Cowellian January 17, 2014 at 11:45 AM

I see that most of the Gang with only one Brain has shown up to brag about their collective good luck on the highways.

52 Keith January 17, 2014 at 11:52 AM

@ Killjoy~~~38

8 accidents in 4 years? WTF?

Walk or take the bus. Or at least stay out of my neighborhood.

53 Laura January 17, 2014 at 12:25 PM

@ Cowelliian……#51

Or maybe some people are better drivers than others.

What’s your accident rate? I’ve been in one, and it wasn’t my fault, nor was I hurt. It was over 30 years ago.

54 Neal January 17, 2014 at 1:06 PM

Just because people agree doesn’t mean they have one brain.

A lot of people are much better drivers than other people, including those who’ve never been in an accident.

If you’ve been driving 20, 30 40 years, etc. without an accident, you’re a very good driver. It’s not luck. It’s SKILL!!!

55 Whatever January 17, 2014 at 1:15 PM

As usual, Cowellian is being his very domineering self.

What’s it like to have to control everything and everybody?

He doesn’t bother to mention his driving record, which is probably lousy.

56 Antonio January 17, 2014 at 1:48 PM

My parents never owned a car, so when I went away to college and bought my first car at 18, it was a big deal.

I got rear ended that same year, Super Bowl Sunday. The kid that hit me was the son of the Police Chief, and he was drunk.

He was scared to death I was calling the cops. I didn’t. There was very little damage, and no one was hurt. He offered me money, but I didn’t take it. I told him to go home and sober up, and not drink and drive.

Haven’t been in an accident since.

57 Cowellian January 17, 2014 at 2:18 PM

Domineering, huh? That sounds like a great job description. As luck would have it, I found a list of the top 100 things to do, once I’m a evil overlord:

My Legions of Terror will have helmets with clear plexiglass visors, not face-concealing ones.

My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.

My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.

Shooting is not too good for my enemies.

The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box. The same applies to the object which is my one weakness.

I will not gloat over my enemies’ predicament before killing them.

When I’ve captured my adversary and he says, “Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?” I’ll say, “No.” and shoot him. No, on second thought I’ll shoot him then say “No.”

After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks’ time during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out.

I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labelled “Danger: Do Not Push”. The big red button marked “Do Not Push” will instead trigger a spray of bullets on anyone stupid enough to disregard it. Similarly, the ON/OFF switch will not clearly be labelled as such.

I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum — a small hotel well outside my borders will work just as well.

I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat.

One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation.

All slain enemies will be cremated, or at least have several rounds of ammunition emptied into them, not left for dead at the bottom of the cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal.

The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other form of last request.

I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his plan into operation.

I will never utter the sentence “But before I kill you, there’s just one thing I want to know.”

When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their advice.

I will not have a son. Although his laughably under-planned attempt to usurp power would easily fail, it would provide a fatal distraction at a crucial point in time.

I will not have a daughter. She would be as beautiful as she was evil, but one look at the hero’s rugged countenance and she’d betray her own father.

Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it’s too easy to miss unexpected developments that a more attentive individual could adjust to accordingly.

I will hire a talented fashion designer to create original uniforms for my Legions of Terror, as opposed to some cheap knock-offs that make them look like Nazi stormtroopers, Roman footsoldiers, or savage Mongol hordes. All were eventually defeated and I want my troops to have a more positive mind-set.

No matter how tempted I am with the prospect of unlimited power, I will not consume any energy field bigger than my head.

I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons and train my troops in their use. That way — even if the heroes manage to neutralize my power generator and/or render the standard-issue energy weapons useless — my troops will not be overrun by a handful of savages armed with spears and rocks.

I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strengths and weaknesses. Even though this takes some of the fun out of the job, at least I will never utter the line “No, this cannot be! I AM INVINCIBLE!!!” (After that, death is usually instantaneous.)

No matter how well it would perform, I will never construct any sort of machinery which is completely indestructible except for one small and virtually inaccessible vulnerable spot.

No matter how attractive certain members of the rebellion are, there is probably someone just as attractive who is not desperate to kill me. Therefore, I will think twice before ordering a prisoner sent to my bedchamber.

I will never build only one of anything important. All important systems will have redundant control panels and power supplies. For the same reason I will always carry at least two fully loaded weapons at all times.

My pet monster will be kept in a secure cage from which it cannot escape and into which I could not accidentally stumble.

I will dress in bright and cheery colors, and so throw my enemies into confusion.

All bumbling conjurers, clumsy squires, no-talent bards, and cowardly thieves in the land will be preemptively put to death. My foes will surely give up and abandon their quest if they have no source of comic relief.

All naive, busty tavern wenches in my realm will be replaced with surly, world-weary waitresses who will provide no unexpected reinforcement and/or romantic subplot for the hero or his sidekick.

I will not fly into a rage and kill a messenger who brings me bad news just to illustrate how evil I really am. Good messengers are hard to come by.

I won’t require high-ranking female members of my organization to wear a stainless-steel bustier. Morale is better with a more casual dress-code. Similarly, outfits made entirely from black leather will be reserved for formal occasions.

I will not turn into a snake. It never helps.

I will not grow a goatee. In the old days they made you look diabolic. Now they just make you look like a disaffected member of Generation X.

I will not imprison members of the same party in the same cell block, let alone the same cell. If they are important prisoners, I will keep the only key to the cell door on my person instead of handing out copies to every bottom-rung guard in the prison.

If my trusted lieutenant tells me my Legions of Terror are losing a battle, I will believe him. After all, he’s my trusted lieutenant.

If an enemy I have just killed has a younger sibling or offspring anywhere, I will find them and have them killed immediately, instead of waiting for them to grow up harboring feelings of vengeance towards me in my old age.

If I absolutely must ride into battle, I will certainly not ride at the forefront of my Legions of Terror, nor will I seek out my opposite number among his army.

I will be neither chivalrous nor sporting. If I have an unstoppable superweapon, I will use it as early and as often as possible instead of keeping it in reserve.

Once my power is secure, I will destroy all those pesky time-travel devices.

When I capture the hero, I will make sure I also get his dog, monkey, ferret, or whatever sickeningly cute little animal capable of untying ropes and filching keys happens to follow him around.

I will maintain a healthy amount of skepticism when I capture the beautiful rebel and she claims she is attracted to my power and good looks and will gladly betray her companions if I just let her in on my plans.

I will only employ bounty hunters who work for money. Those who work for the pleasure of the hunt tend to do dumb things like even the odds to give the other guy a sporting chance.

I will make sure I have a clear understanding of who is responsible for what in my organization. For example, if my general screws up I will not draw my weapon, point it at him, say “And here is the price for failure,” then suddenly turn and kill some random underling.

If an advisor says to me “My liege, he is but one man. What can one man possibly do?”, I will reply “This.” and kill the advisor.

If I learn that a callow youth has begun a quest to destroy me, I will slay him while he is still a callow youth instead of waiting for him to mature.

I will treat any beast which I control through magic or technology with respect and kindness. Thus if the control is ever broken, it will not immediately come after me for revenge.

If I learn the whereabouts of the one artifact which can destroy me, I will not send all my troops out to seize it. Instead I will send them out to seize something else and quietly put a Want-Ad in the local paper.

My main computers will have their own special operating system that will be completely incompatible with standard IBM and Macintosh powerbooks.

If one of my dungeon guards begins expressing concern over the conditions in the beautiful princess’ cell, I will immediately transfer him to a less people-oriented position.

I will hire a team of board-certified architects and surveyors to examine my castle and inform me of any secret passages and abandoned tunnels that I might not know about.

If the beautiful princess that I capture says “I’ll never marry you! Never, do you hear me, NEVER!!!”, I will say “Oh well” and kill her.

I will not strike a bargain with a demonic being then attempt to double-cross it simply because I feel like being contrary.

The deformed mutants and odd-ball psychotics will have their place in my Legions of Terror. However before I send them out on important covert missions that require tact and subtlety, I will first see if there is anyone else equally qualified who would attract less attention.

My Legions of Terror will be trained in basic marksmanship. Any who cannot learn to hit a man-sized target at 10 meters will be used for target practice.

Before employing any captured artifacts or machinery, I will carefully read the owner’s manual.

If it becomes necessary to escape, I will never stop to pose dramatically and toss off a one-liner.

I will never build a sentient computer smarter than I am.

My five-year-old child advisor will also be asked to decipher any code I am thinking of using. If he breaks the code in under 30 seconds, it will not be used. Note: this also applies to passwords.

If my advisors ask “Why are you risking everything on such a mad scheme?”, I will not proceed until I have a response that satisfies them.

I will design fortress hallways with no alcoves or protruding structural supports which intruders could use for cover in a firefight.

Bulk trash will be disposed of in incinerators, not compactors. And they will be kept hot, with none of that nonsense about flames going through accessible tunnels at predictable intervals.

I will see a competent psychiatrist and get cured of all extremely unusual phobias and bizarre compulsive habits which could prove to be a disadvantage.

If I must have computer systems with publically available terminals, the maps they display of my complex will have a room clearly marked as the Main Control Room. That room will be the Execution Chamber. The actual main control room will be marked as Sewage Overflow Containment.

My security keypad will actually be a fingerprint scanner. Anyone who watches someone press a sequence of buttons or dusts the pad for fingerprints then subsequently tries to enter by repeating that sequence will trigger the alarm system.

No matter how many shorts we have in the system, my guards will be instructed to treat every surveillance camera malfunction as a full-scale emergency.

I will spare someone who saved my life sometime in the past. This is only reasonable as it encourages others to do so. However, the offer is good one time only. If they want me to spare them again, they’d better save my life again.

All midwives will be banned from the realm. All babies will be delivered at state-approved hospitals. Orphans will be placed in foster-homes, not abandoned in the woods to be raised by creatures of the wild.

When my guards split up to search for intruders, they will always travel in groups of at least two. They will be trained so that if one of them disappears mysteriously while on patrol, the other will immediately initiate an alert and call for backup, instead of quizzically peering around a corner.

If I decide to test a lieutenant’s loyalty and see if he/she should be made a trusted lieutenant, I will have a crack squad of marksmen standing by in case the answer is no.

If all the heroes are standing together around a strange device and begin to taunt me, I will pull out a conventional weapon instead of using my unstoppable superweapon on them.

I will not agree to let the heroes go free if they win a rigged contest, even though my advisors assure me it is impossible for them to win.

When I create a multimedia presentation of my plan designed so that my five-year-old advisor can easily understand the details, I will not label the disk “Project Overlord” and leave it lying on top of my desk.

I will instruct my Legions of Terror to attack the hero en masse, instead of standing around waiting while members break off and attack one or two at a time.

If the hero runs up to my roof, I will not run up after him and struggle with him in an attempt to push him over the edge. I will also not engage him at the edge of a cliff. (In the middle of a rope-bridge over a river of molten lava is not even worth considering.)

If I have a fit of temporary insanity and decide to give the hero the chance to reject a job as my trusted lieutentant, I will retain enough sanity to wait until my current trusted lieutenant is out of earshot before making the offer.

I will not tell my Legions of Terror “And he must be taken alive!” The command will be “And try to take him alive if it is reasonably practical.”

If my doomsday device happens to come with a reverse switch, as soon as it has been employed it will be melted down and made into limited-edition commemorative coins.

If my weakest troops fail to eliminate a hero, I will send out my best troops instead of wasting time with progressively stronger ones as he gets closer and closer to my fortress.

If I am fighting with the hero atop a moving platform, have disarmed him, and am about to finish him off and he glances behind me and drops flat, I too will drop flat instead of quizzically turning around to find out what he saw.

I will not shoot at any of my enemies if they are standing in front of the crucial support beam to a heavy, dangerous, unbalanced structure.

If I’m eating dinner with the hero, put poison in his goblet, then have to leave the table for any reason, I will order new drinks for both of us instead of trying to decide whether or not to switch with him.

I will not have captives of one sex guarded by members of the opposite sex.

I will not use any plan in which the final step is horribly complicated, e.g. “Align the 12 Stones of Power on the sacred altar then activate the medallion at the moment of total eclipse.” Instead it will be more along the lines of “Push the button.”

I will make sure that my doomsday device is up to code and properly grounded.

My vats of hazardous chemicals will be covered when not in use. Also, I will not construct walkways above them.

If a group of henchmen fail miserably at a task, I will not berate them for incompetence then send the same group out to try the task again.

After I captures the hero’s superweapon, I will not immediately disband my legions and relax my guard because I believe whoever holds the weapon is unstoppable. After all, the hero held the weapon and I took it from him.

I will not design my Main Control Room so that every workstation is facing away from the door.

I will not ignore the messenger that stumbles in exhausted and obviously agitated until my personal grooming or current entertainment is finished. It might actually be important.

If I ever talk to the hero on the phone, I will not taunt him. Instead I will say this his dogged perseverance has given me new insight on the futility of my evil ways and that if he leaves me alone for a few months of quiet contemplation I will likely return to the path of righteousness. (Heroes are incredibly gullible in this regard.)

If I decide to hold a double execution of the hero and an underling who failed or betrayed me, I will see to it that the hero is scheduled to go first.

When arresting prisoners, my guards will not allow them to stop and grab a useless trinket of purely sentimental value.

My dungeon will have its own qualified medical staff complete with bodyguards. That way if a prisoner becomes sick and his cellmate tells the guard it’s an emergency, the guard will fetch a trauma team instead of opening up the cell for a look.

My door mechanisms will be designed so that blasting the control panel on the outside seals the door and blasting the control panel on the inside opens the door, not vice versa.

My dungeon cells will not be furnished with objects that contain reflective surfaces or anything that can be unravelled.

If an attractive young couple enters my realm, I will carefully monitor their activities. If I find they are happy and affectionate, I will ignore them. However if circumstance have forced them together against their will and they spend all their time bickering and criticizing each other except during the intermittent occasions when they are saving each others’ lives at which point there are hints of sexual tension, I will immediately order their execution.

Any data file of crucial importance will be padded to 1.45Mb in size.

Finally, to keep my subjects permanently locked in a mindless trance, I will provide each of them with free unlimited Internet access.

58 Shelley January 17, 2014 at 3:30 PM

I’ve never been in an accident, but I’m not part of any gang.

Accidents happen, and I guess I’ve been lucky since I got my license in 1976.

I do believe some drivers are better than others, and driving defensively helps. But there isn’t much you can do about being rear ended. A lot of the posts are people who were rear ended. Or driving in the wrong environment, like Miguel.

Drive safely!

59 Horse'n Around January 17, 2014 at 4:40 PM

Ok please tell me, those Holier Than Thou, drivers out there, how to avoid a rear end collision, or someone who runs a stop sign. Because you seem to want to blame me for these accidents. And you all seem to be such wonderful drivers.

60 @Neal #54 January 17, 2014 at 4:51 PM

I know some people who have been driving many years and never had an accident. But I assure you, it’s because OTHER people are good drivers, not because they are.

Never having an accident is but one small measure of driving skill. Somebody can run stop signs, drive 35MPH in the left lane of the freeway, not know how to merge, etc. and still never have an accident, but it sure doesn’t mean they’re a good driver.

61 Better Drivers January 17, 2014 at 5:26 PM

If you’ve been driving over 20 years or longer, and you’ve never been in an accident, you’re a better driver. Ask the insurance companies.

Driving is a privilege, not a right. It’s also an acquired SKILL.

You can LOWER YOUR RISK of being in an accident.

See Just A Thought #41.

62 @Cowellian; January 17, 2014 at 7:41 PM

Do you think anyone will read that?

63 Mustang Sally January 17, 2014 at 7:47 PM

@@Neal #54; That is a really great point !!

64 Shelly January 17, 2014 at 7:56 PM

This was a pretty interesting blog untill it disintegrated into superior people snarking at others as usual.

65 @Cowellian January 17, 2014 at 8:24 PM

Where did you copy it from?

66 Wake Up! January 17, 2014 at 8:32 PM

Not getting in an accident is a sign of your good driving skills, not another driver. I’ve avoiding accidents.


You don’t have to read other people’s posts. It’s optional. If you don’t like what you’re reading, don’t read it!

And, yes, I’ve never been in an accident. Been driving since 1973.

67 @Shelly January 17, 2014 at 9:04 PM

You’ll notice it’s the same few offenders as always.

68 Cowellian January 17, 2014 at 9:51 PM

And I regret that I omitted Peter Anspach’s copyright notice.

69 Dr. Jellyfinger January 17, 2014 at 10:05 PM

You see this one on the freeway every day.

70 Wake Up! January 17, 2014 at 10:32 PM


Since when are Marcus and Nicole the same few offenders as always? Neither one of them are regulars.

You’re stupid.

71 Antler January 17, 2014 at 10:40 PM

Cowellian, thanks. We needed that. :-)

I am prepared to invest in your innovative project. My stellar squadron of flying cats is available, but I do not allow them to work except in foggy conditions. They do sometimes turn upon screenwriters and commanders, but only upon those personages having neglected to give them a wink when they first enter battle airspace.

Your plan has blasted away other action film plots for all time. Therefore, it does have extraordinary merit.

But please send rough drafts of the uniform designs. There simply must be capes….and fringes…..and golden sword hilts…..and a guard who uses an inhaler. Or I withdraw my offer.

Awaiting your messenger. May the farce be with you!

72 Cowellian January 17, 2014 at 11:12 PM


73 Shelly January 18, 2014 at 9:10 AM

@Wake Up! #66;

1) How does one know if he/she doesn’t like a post w/o first reading it?

2) It’s interesting that you mentioned that Marcus and Nicole aren’t regulars. They have on more than just this thread voiced very similar opinions, in a very similar tone, rather like yours as a matter of fact! Could it be that they share something very important with you? Like the same brain perhaps? Is that it? That between the three of you there’s just one brain? Hmmm… interesting.

74 Shelly January 18, 2014 at 9:28 AM

@Dr. Jellyfinger; so shamefully stereotypical!! And yet so funny. I’ve gotta say, you do see that a lot, but not just with women, and not just Asians! My dear dad got to where he couldn’t turn his head to check the blind spot. About killed me a couple of times on the way to the bank one day. That was the day I had to get very creative in keeping him off the road forever.

75 Wake Up! January 18, 2014 at 11:39 AM



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