The Water Cooler: Fun Joke Friday

June 29, 2012 12:00 pm · 68 comments

The “Water Cooler” is a feature on Claycord.com where we ask you a question or provide a topic, and you talk about it!

The “Water Cooler” will be up Monday-Friday at noon!

Today’s question:

Today’s Friday (finally). Tell us one of your favorite jokes and make us laugh!

Please, keep it clean, but have fun….

Talk about it….

1 Wisecracker June 29, 2012 at 12:09 PM

Obama, and a punchline isn’t needed!

2 Jeff June 29, 2012 at 12:13 PM

Why are pirates so cool?

Because they ARRRRRGGGHHH

This joke is only intended for ages 3-9 LOL

3 Diablo Dude June 29, 2012 at 12:22 PM

What do gay horses eat?

Haaaaaaaaay!

4 FORE......! June 29, 2012 at 12:26 PM

George was teeing off from the men’s tee.
On his downswing, he realized that his wife, Joy, was teeing up on the woman’s tee directly in front of him.
Unable to stop his swing, he nailed it, and hit her directly in the temple, killing her instantly.
A few days later, George got a call from the coroner regarding her autopsy.

Coroner: “George, your wife seemed to have died from blunt force trauma to the head.
You said, you hit a golf ball and hit her in the temple, is that correct?”

George: “Yes, sir, that’s correct.”

Coroner: “Well, inexplicably I found a golf ball wedged up her butt.”

George: “Was it a Titleist 3?”

Coroner: “Yes, it was.”

George: “That was my mulligan.”

5 anon104872 June 29, 2012 at 12:27 PM

A magician was walking down the street, then he turned into a grocery store.

6 not that anon June 29, 2012 at 12:28 PM

Two antennas meet on a roof and fall in love. The wedding wasn’t much but the reception was excellent.

7 Living in Claycord June 29, 2012 at 12:30 PM

NASCAR – Non Athletic “Sport” Centered Around Rednecks

8 lady June 29, 2012 at 12:31 PM

A pirate got captured. The sailor said to him, “How did you get that wooden leg?”

“Well it was me shark that bit it off.”

“And how did you get that hook on your arm?”

“It was me shark that bit it off.”

The sailor said, “So how did you get that patch on your eye?”

The pirate said, “Well a seagull flew by and pooped on my eye.”

The sailor said, “How would seagull poop give you a patch?”

The pirate says, “It was me first day with me hook.”

9 JW June 29, 2012 at 12:34 PM

What do you get when you cross a cow and a lawn mower? You get a lawn moo-er.

Thank you Dr.Don Rose for that one from way back.

10 favorite joke June 29, 2012 at 12:34 PM

My boss
Sign over my desk “Warning !! There is a limit to the amount of Stupid I’m willing to put up with”

11 Jokey Jestersen June 29, 2012 at 12:38 PM

How can you tell when a leopard is sick? He breaks out in solid.

12 Livin' la vida loca June 29, 2012 at 12:38 PM

An elderly gentleman was on the bus being ruthlessly harrassed by a young kid with purple hair, nose rings, and many body piercings. After much verbal abuse, the old guy looked at the kid and said, “hey, you must be my long lost son”. The kid scoffed and said, “how could that be, old man?”. The old man replied, “I once had sex with a peacock!”

13 MsB June 29, 2012 at 12:40 PM

Jack woke up with a huge hangover after attending his company’s Christmas party. He didn’t even remember how he got home from the party.

As bad as he as feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he saw was couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table.

And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sat up and saw his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.

He looked around the room and saw that it was in perfect order, spotlessly clean.

So was the rest of the house. He took the aspirins, and cringed when he saw a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror.

Then he noticed a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick:

“Honey, breakfast is on the stove. I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling!”

He stumbled to the kitchen and sure enough, there was hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son was also at the table, eating.

Jack asked, “Son, what happened last night?”

“Well, you came home after 3 A.M, drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.”

Confused, he asked his son, “So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??

His son replied, “Oh THAT! Mum dragged you to the bathroom to clean you up, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, ‘Leave me alone b*tch, I’m married!”

14 the nice anon June 29, 2012 at 12:44 PM

Why don’t pirates like driving in the mountains?

‘Scurvy!

15 anonmtz June 29, 2012 at 12:44 PM

A duck walks into a bar and orders a pint of beer and a ham
sandwich. The barman looks at him and says, “Hang on! You’re a duck.”

“I see your eyes are working,” replies the duck.

“And you can talk!” exclaims the barman.

“I see your ears are working too,” says the duck.

“Now if you don’t mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?”

“Certainly, sorry about that,” says the barman as he pulls the duck’s
pint.

“It’s just we don’t get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing
round this way?”

“I’m working on the building site across the road,” explains the
duck. “I’m a plasterer.”

The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn
more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls a newspaper from his
bag and proceeds to read it. So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his
beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.

The same thing happens for two weeks. Then one day the circus comes to
town. The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says
to him, “You’re with the circus, aren’t you? Well, I know this duck that could
be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!”

“Sounds marvellous,”says the ringmaster, handing over his business
card. “Get him to give me a call.”

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, “Hey, Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good
money.”

“I’m always looking for the next job,” says the duck. “Where is it?”

“At the circus,” says the barman.

“The circus?” repeats the duck.

“That’s right,” replies the barman.

“The circus?” the duck says again. “With the big tent?”

“Yeah,” the barman replies.

“With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live
in caravans?” says the duck.

“Of course,” the barman replies.

“And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in
the middle?” persists the duck.

“That’s right!” says the barman.

The duck shakes his head in amazement and says .. . . “What the heck would they want with a plasterer??!”

16 AnotherAnon June 29, 2012 at 12:44 PM

A skunk sat on a stump
The skunk thunk the stump stunk
The stump thunk the skunk stunk

Try THAT 2 or 3 times in a row

17 well... June 29, 2012 at 12:46 PM

Whats the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?

The position of the dirt bag.

18 Kirkwood June 29, 2012 at 12:49 PM

@JW

. . . and an abalone with a crocodile?

A crocabalone.

19 Pleasant Jenny June 29, 2012 at 12:51 PM

Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton arrive at the gates at the same time. St. Peter explains they have only one room available at the time but they are doing renovations and the next room should be available in a few days. Queen Elizabeth remains calm, sipping her bottled water, and then finally asks where the ladies room might be. While she is in the bathroom, Dolly Parton pours on the charm to St. Peter. She promises to put on a great show for everyone once she gets settled in to her room, etc. They hear the toilet flush and Queen Elizabeth joins them once again. St. Peter sighs and says “Well, the decision has been made. Queen Elizabeth I shall take you to your room now.” Dolly is shocked and asks “WHAT????” St. Peter says “A Royal Flush always beats a pair – no matter how big they are”.

20 Screwy Louie June 29, 2012 at 12:58 PM

Thanks JW for the D.D.R flashback !
“Blue sky’s and green lights” to you.

21 keepitlegal June 29, 2012 at 12:58 PM

How do you get a 1 armed blonde out of a tree?

-you wave to her

22 huh? June 29, 2012 at 12:59 PM

3 musicians and a drummer walk into an elevator.

********

(with apologies to the ghost of Keith Moon)

23 anonblonde June 29, 2012 at 1:04 PM

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer, who was also a blonde.The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver’s license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated. “What does it look like?” she finally asked. The policewoman replied, “It’s square and it has your picture on it.”

The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. “Here it is,” she said. The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, “OK, you can go. I didn’t realize you were a cop…”

24 LeSigh June 29, 2012 at 1:09 PM

A wife asked her husband, “What do you like most in me? My pretty face or my sexy body?” He looked at her from head to toe and replied, “Your sense of humor.”

25 Kids June 29, 2012 at 1:09 PM

Why do sharks live in salt water………

Because pepper water makes them sneeze!

My 6 year old neice told me that, so cute!

26 I was sitting at a stoplight yesterday, June 29, 2012 at 1:12 PM

minding my own business,waiting on it to turn green.

A carload of bearded, young, loud Muslims, shouting anti-American slogans, with a half- burned American Flag duct taped on the trunk of their car and a “Remember 9-11” slogan spray painted on the side,stopped next to me.

The light changed, the Muslims praised Allah, shook their fists, hit the gas & darted off ahead of me.

Suddenly an 18-wheeler came speeding thru the intersection & ran directly over their car, crushing it completely, killing everyone in the car.

For several minutes I sat in my car thinking to myself, “/Man… that could have been me///!”

So today; bright and early, I went out and got a job as a truck driver.

27 scientolanon June 29, 2012 at 1:18 PM

Katie Holmes just served Tom Cruise with divorce papers and went immediately to her parents house. She began screaming something awful, on and on, the most horrendous wailing they had ever heard.

“Katie honey, what’s wrong? Why are you screaming?” they asked.

Katie replies, “Because I wasn’t allowed to during Suri’s birth!”

28 LeSigh June 29, 2012 at 1:18 PM

Round 2:

If your dog was barking at the back door and your wife was knocking at the front door, who would you let in first?

The dog, at least he would shut up once he was inside.

Round 3:

Wife: Give me some money. I want to buy a bra.
Husband: Why? You have nothing to put in it!
Wife: You wear shorts!

🙂 TGIF everyone!

29 anon June 29, 2012 at 1:22 PM

A guy shows up late for work. The boss yells “You should have been here at 8:30!” he replies: “Why? What happened at 8:30?”

30 Dragon June 29, 2012 at 1:24 PM

How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. “That’s all riiight, I’ll just sit here in the dawwk until one of my children decides he loves me enough to help….”

31 BUCK 426 June 29, 2012 at 1:29 PM

Joker – did you hear the one about “no me neither?”
Batman – no
Joker – me neither……..you get it?
Batman – no…
Joker – me neither….
🙂

32 Ms. Jean June 29, 2012 at 1:38 PM

Did you hear about the dyslexic cow who’d achieved enlightment through meditation?

33 jtkatec June 29, 2012 at 1:44 PM

Where’s Go Go? He has the best jokes

34 annonq June 29, 2012 at 1:45 PM

A duck walks into his local neighborhood pharmacy:
Duck to the pharmacist – Hi Mr. Smith, how’s things?
Mr. Smith – Hi Bob, what can I do for you today.
Bob – I’d like to purchase a condom.
Mr. Smith – Here ya’ go Bob. Would you like it on your bill?
Bob – (offended and irate) WHAT KIND OF DUCK DO YOU THINK I AM?

35 Blonde June 29, 2012 at 1:50 PM

A blonde boards a flight to L.A. and takes a seat in the first class section. The flight attendant checks her ticket and informs her she has a couch ticket and will need to move to her seat. The spoiled blonde refuses to get up and throws a fit. The FA tries everything from coaxing to threatening her but she will not budge. A second FA tells the first, “I know what to do”. She goes over, sits next to the blonde and whispers something in her ear. The blonde looks startled and immediately gets up and runs toward the back of the plane. The first FA asks the second, “What did you say?” The FA responds, “I told her first class is not going to L.A.”.

36 Concord Man June 29, 2012 at 2:05 PM

OBAMA… biggest joke there is!

37 Pinklady June 29, 2012 at 2:10 PM

For the kiddos…

What Has 4 Wheels and Flies?

**A Trash truck

For the adults…

Why Does Helen Keller play the piano with one hand?

**So she can sing with the other one

38 “Talking Dog For Sale” June 29, 2012 at 2:15 PM

A guy was driving around the back woods of Oakley and saw a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: “Talking Dog For Sale”. He rang the bell, and the owner appeared and told him that the dog was in the back yard.

The guy went into the back yard and saw a nice-looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

“You talk”? he asked.

“Yep”, the Lab replied.

After the guy recovered from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he said, “So, what’s your story”?

The Lab looked up and said, “Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping”.

“I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals”.

“I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I’m just retired”.

The guy was amazed. He went back in and asked the owner what he wanted for the dog.

“Ten dollars”, the guy said.

”Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap”?

“Because he’s a liar. He’s never been out of the yard”!

39 Cowellian June 29, 2012 at 2:19 PM

Cowellian’s favorite joke:

René Descartes walked into a bar and ordered a beer. When it was gone, the bartender asked if he wanted another. Descartes replied “I think not, and poof, he disappeared.

My son’s favorite joke:

Two muffins were baking in an oven, and one of them said “it sure is hot in here”, and the other shouted “Holy Cow! A talking muffin!”

40 Anon PH June 29, 2012 at 2:24 PM

A man and his wife are in the bedroom, getting dressed up for their happy 20th anniversary dinner.

The man says “Honey, we’re gonna have a great dinner and a show. These have been very happy years. Oh, by the way, where did you put my dress socks?”

She says from the bathroom “Dear, they are in the second drawer in the dresser”.
He opens the drawer, finds his socks, and notices that there are three golf balls in the sock drawer. “Honey, what are these golf balls doing in the sock drawer”.
She quietly says “Well honey, I guess I can confess and be honest, after all, we’ve shared 20 years., I put a golf ball in the sock drawer every time I was unfaithful to you, just to remind my that I should be true to you”.
The husband is very miffed, but reflecting on his transgressions during 20 ears, he says “Oh, honey. Nobody’s perfect, but we’ve been happy, so I forgive you”.
A few minutes later he again yells “Honey, where are my cufflinks”?
She says, “In the top drawer on the left”.
The man opens the drawer and is astonished to find that it is stuffed full of money. He says “HONEY, WHERE DID ALL THIS MONEY COME FROM???”
She says “Oh, every time the drawer filled with golf balls, I sold them”.

41 ??? June 29, 2012 at 2:55 PM

A horse walks into a bar. The bar tender looks up and says “why the long face? The horse doesn’t respond because it is a horse. It then gets scared and confused talking a dump on the floor as it rushes back out the way it came knocking over a few customers and tables on the way out.

42 poopypants June 29, 2012 at 3:06 PM

must have been the Clayton Club

43 jtkatec June 29, 2012 at 3:13 PM

Cowellian, I forgot about the talking muffin joke. I read it here way way back. Still makes me chuckle. Thanks.

44 Paul (formerly) in South Concord June 29, 2012 at 3:38 PM

Not quite jokes, but in amongst all the “formal” scanner traffic I hear, there is the occasional humorous transmission… Here are a few I can recall.

ConFire Dispatch called Engine 10, who were out and about. “Engine 10, can you cover Station 1?” Engine 10 replied with an overly-cheerful “SURE!” and that was it. The usual response would have been: “Engine 10 en-route to cover Station 1”. Well, I thought it was funny.

Some months back, a call came over CCCSO dispatch, about an adult male physically beating a juvenile. About a minute later the same dispatcher advised the responding officer, that the adult male had called in to report that it was his son who called (with a VERY exaggerated report) and that he was simply disciplining his son, therefore police weren’t needed. By then the officer had arrived. The son was made to not only apologize profusely to the officer, but he had to also call the dispatcher and apologize to her.

Dispatch called for the status of a Deputy, who had not transmitted since arriving on a scene. She replied: “Oops, sorry, my bad. I’m Code 4… it’s all good”.

Fire engine was responding to a “flooding condition”, that I think was the result of a broken fire hydrant (it’s been a while). The engine called in to dispatch and asked “Do we know what’s causing the flooding?” Dispatch replied “Uhh… Water?”

Fire Dept just arrived on scene… They reported to dispatch that there was a “light haze inside the hallway and the odor of burnt smoke”… Burnt smoke?

45 Cap'n Nick June 29, 2012 at 3:43 PM

Burnt smoke smells way worse than raw smoke. 🙂

46 DD June 29, 2012 at 3:57 PM

If there’s two elephants in your kitchen which ones the Cowboy?

The one on the range.

47 Limosteve June 29, 2012 at 4:01 PM

A husband was in bed watching tv. His wife got out of the shower and stops in front of the mirror and tells her husband. “Honey I’m getting old, I gained weight, I now have wrinkles. I’m getting old! Please tell me something good about myself.” the husband replied “Honey atleast you got perfect vision.”

48 Ba da dumb! June 29, 2012 at 4:31 PM

Hear about the guy who swalled a Viagra and it got stuck in his throat?

He woke up in the morning with a stiff neck! 😉

49 Ba da dumb! June 29, 2012 at 4:34 PM

ooops! corrected spelling version

Hear about the guy who *swallowed a Viagra and it got stuck in his throat?

He woke up in the morning with a stiff neck! 😉

50 For any age lol June 29, 2012 at 4:42 PM

What did zero say to the number eight?

Nice belt!

51 Just Fred June 29, 2012 at 5:02 PM

A cop stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit. He asks the biker his name. “Fred” he replies. “Fred what?” the officer asks. “Just Fred” the man responds.
The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a break with a warning rather than a ticket.
The officer presses him for the last name. The man tells him that he used to have a last name but that he lost it. The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. “Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?” The biker replies, “It’s a long story, so stay with me.”
“I was born Fred Dingaling. I know – a funny last name. The kids used to tease me all the time. So I stayed to myself, studied hard, and got good grades. When I got older I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Dingaling, MD.”
“After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school to become a dentist. Got all the way through school, got my degree, so then I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS. Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD. So now I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS, with VD.”
“Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS and I was Fred Dingaling, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD. Then the VD took away my dingaling, so now I am just Fred.”
The officer walked away in tears, laughing…..

52 Gregorygardener June 29, 2012 at 5:03 PM

Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper? He sold his soul to Santa!

53 imrereurrere June 29, 2012 at 5:04 PM

you know how to catch a polar bear?you cut a hole in the ice,sprinkle peas around the hole,then when the polar bear comes to take a pea,you kick him in the ice hole.

54 lg June 29, 2012 at 7:15 PM

How did the blonde break her leg while raking leaves? She fell out of the tree!

55 Smokey June 29, 2012 at 8:45 PM

What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back?

A stick.

56 Fred P. June 29, 2012 at 8:48 PM

Ya know what you call a bagpiper with a pager?

An optimist.

(I apologize to those who don’t know what pagers are…..)

57 Scoots June 29, 2012 at 10:09 PM

A blonde feels sick & winds up at the doctor’s office. The doctor examines her and tells her she’s pregnant. “Oh no” she cries, “I’m pregnant & I’m not married” The doctor asks “Do you know who the father is?” and the blonde says “No, who?”.

58 LOL June 29, 2012 at 10:37 PM

A man gets on a plane next to a woman who is reading and scribbling furiously. She says to him, “Don’t mind me, I’m preparing for a conference and I’m the guest speaker. The topic is an interesting one. Did you know that Frenchmen are supposedly the most romantic – it is actually Jewish men who are? Did you know that African Americans are supposedly the most endowed – but it is actually American Indians? Oh, listen to me going on and on and we’ve not even introduced ourselves.”

The man says, “My name is Tonto – Tonto Goldstein.”

59 anonares June 30, 2012 at 7:18 AM

I saw a bumper sticker on my way to work this week that read – ” I started out with nothing – I still have most of it left”

60 AbidingDude June 30, 2012 at 7:41 AM

What did the deaf, dumb, and blind kid get for Christmas?

cancer!!!

61 Antler June 30, 2012 at 8:32 AM

(anonmtz at #15 ~ ~ ~ I’m enjoying so many of these jokes, but yours is the best ~ ~ ~ keeps getting funnier and funnier!!!) Here’s one of my favorites from waaaaaaay back:

Ayatollah Khomeini has announced a treaty with Italy, and the Italians have agreed to build a new university in Iran.
They plan to name it “Ayatollah U”.

62 anonmtz June 30, 2012 at 11:33 AM
63 Cowellian June 30, 2012 at 1:59 PM

Patient: Doctor, you have to help me, I think I’m a moth.

Doctor: It sounds like you do need help, but why did you come here? I’m a dentist.

Patient: Your light was on.

64 Antler June 30, 2012 at 3:32 PM

Cowellian ~ ~ ~ GOOD one! How are you and family managing during all the heat back there? Surely hope you have power!

65 Baseball Joke June 30, 2012 at 4:12 PM

What do you do with an Elephant with 3 balls? Walk him, and pitch to the Rhino.

66 Cowellian June 30, 2012 at 4:21 PM

Thanks, Antler. We stay inside, a lot! My NES meter is spinning too fast to read it. We did lose power for about a minute last night, but we somehow survived. If it weren’t for bouncing off the walls, the poor dogs wouldn’t get any exercise, but when it’s 106 outside, romps in the park are out of the question.

67 jtkatec June 30, 2012 at 5:16 PM

States Street Resident, good one about the bear and also hard to pronounce the words out loud…. got me all tongue twisted

68 confucious says June 30, 2012 at 7:56 PM

Confucious say’s…. Man who stands on toilet, is high on pot.

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